Quiz Night

There was another Quiz Night at the Q Continuum Social Club.

As usual, I drew with everybody else, as we all knew the answers; even the picture round was an easy one.

Maybe we ought to do something more exciting, like play with a few planets?

Winning

One of the most boring things in the Q Continuum is that one wins all the time.

Not that I like losing either; that only seems to happen when I'm with humans; I guess that's why I like them; competitive spirit.

Now in the Q Continuum Social Club, everybody draws in sports matches; this kind of makes it hard to advace in the knockout tournaments.

Life With Q

Things are just so boring in the Q Continuum right now.

Well they have been for the past six million eons. There just seems nothing to do around there. I can't play games with the other Qs because they know I always cheat.

We sometimes create a few panics for a few planets to liven things up a little.

It can be a whole lot of fun to create a comet and get it on a collision course with a planet, watch the citizens run around like headless Kvandas and just make the comet disappear or miss the planet at the very last moment.

But frankly, once one has done that a few hundred times, it gets rather humdrum.

What about the Federation though? They are always good for a few laughs. humans are so weird, they never do what a Q thinks they are going to do. They have no logic; except Vulcans that is. They are so bo-ring. I wouldn't invite them to my party; they would hardly be the life and soul.

Captain Kathryn Janeway is in a right mess isn't she? The Delta Quadrant isn't exactly around the block for them. That woman can't find her way out of a room with one door!

I could snap my finger and bring her right back, of course, but there is so much fun ahead of her in Voyager's journey back. I must admit, it is a treat to watch her. Give the lady a map someone!

Now how about my old friend Jean-Luc? Let's see what he's up to...

Hmm, the Enterprise is fighting a tough race known as the Sarvaal. Either ship could win at the moment.

I wonder if he'd like me to drop in and say hello? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Jean-Luc always likes to see me.

"Evasive Pattern Delta 4" Jean-Luc tells his minions.

Doesn't he sound tough?

I'll change their uniforms to those of 19th century Mexican bandits and place a Mexican orchestra in the background.

"Q!!" Picard shouts.

How does he know it's me.

I appear in my Starflleet uniform.

"Hello Jean-Luc" I ask him, "I thought I'd drop in and see how you are."

"Change us back!" he shouts, "Can't you see we're fighting the Sarvaal? We might lose this!"

"Oh, nonsense, Jean-Luc!" I say, "You've got plenty of tough weapons here that will send those home with a headache!"

"Shields at 20%" shouts that Klingon, Worf.

"Do you hear that, Q?" Picard says, "Two more attacks and the shields will go down."

The orchestra keeps playing beautiful Mexican songs; they are playing to Deanna Troi, the only female on the Bridge.

"And get those musicians off!" he tells me; I think he's developing a headache. I make them all disappear.

"Shields at 10%!" Worf gloomily reminds us.

The Sarvaal are in the way; I make their ship disappear and materialise on their home planet.

"Thank you, Q" says Jean-Luc quietly.

"Does that mean I can be a member of your crew, Captain?" I ask. "Bags me for the First Officer job! Riker has had it too long."

"NO!" both Picard and Riker tell me.

Oh, they are no fun today. I'll head back to the Q Continuum.

Maybe the other Qs haven't learnt Kadiscot properly yet?

I know how to cheat at that!

Sent To The Enterprise

I'm in trouble again.

Just because I had a little bit of fun with a planetary system, making time go backward then forward for them every couple of hours.

They didn't know if they were coming or going!

Those in the Q Continuum have absolutely no sense of humour. I'd say to them ,"Get a life!", but of course, the beings that we are, we don't exist that way.

I'm in front of the Disciplinary Panel; I think I've been here quite often.

"It simply won't do, Q" Q tells me, "We in the Continuum have a sense of responsibility to those lesser creatures that inhabit the universe"

"I was only having a laugh" I tell him.

"You may well call it 'having a laugh', but we take it seriously" Q replies indignantly, "The human Picard has a strong sense of discipline; you will be sent to the Enterprise for 24 hours and ordered to do what he says, otherwise you will be stripped of your powers."

I contain my glee; a day with Jean-Luc is ideal!

--------------------

I appear in front of Jean-Luc as he is on the Bridge.

"What do you want, Q?" he says somewhat aggressively. The Captain is never very welcoming.

"Q reporting for duty, mon Captain!" I exclaim.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he replies.

I explain the situation, and Jean-Luc smiles to himself. Riker and all the other bridge staff join in the laugh as well.

"It doesn't surprise me that you got into trouble, Q" he says, "You're so irresponsible. Very well, you shall do exactly what I tell you to do for the next 24 hours."

"I'll do any menial job, Jean-Luc" I tell him, "I'll even do Riker's job. I'm sure he would rather be with Counselor Troi."

Riker looks angry, and Deanna looks red-faced.

"You're not having my job, Q" Riker snaps at me.

"Ah, what a pity, Commander." I tell him, "I think you've disappointed Deanna."

"I know what you can do, Q" Jean-Luc, "You can go and help someone."

"Who might that be?" I ask, "Is it the delightful Beverly?"

"NO!" he shouts, "You can help Guinan in Ten Forward and serve drinks."

"Not her!" I exclaim, "Captain, I've told you before, she is a dangerous imp and will only cause trouble if.."

"I know who causes trouble around here" he replies, "Now go to Ten Forward!"

--------------

When I get there, Guinan is laughing away to herself. She would. She always did when she got the better of me in the past.

"Now listen here, Q" she tells me, "These orders are coming from Captain Picard; you will not use your powers in any way to serve the drinks or the food. You will do it just as any other normal waiter would. Now get to it!"

I mumble a few Q expletives only found in the Continuum and start serving.

I hear a finger snapping and a voice.

"Garcon!"

It's Riker, with Troi.

They have both got wide grins on their faces as they get me running backward and forward. On one occasion I fall over with the drinks.

"That's coming out of the tips you get!" Guinan tells me. That would be a fine thing; no one gives me any. They are all so ungrateful here on the Enterprise.

During the next 24 hours, I am run off my feet, with members of the Bridge coming in wanting a Chocolate Sundae, Tequila Slammer, Screwdriver and a Klingon Bloodwine. I think Jean-Luc has sent them all down here and got me to serve them. I've noticed that all of the other waiters have left from their shifts early.

At last, the day is over; Jean-Luc comes to me and smiles.

"Well Q" he says with a grin, "I hope you've enjoyed our visit to the Enterprise. Remember to watch your step, otherwise the Continuum could have you working in Ten Forward for good."

Not if I can help it.

What If...? (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Jean-Luc Picard

Q is showing me what the Enterprise would have been like if I had never been born. The rest of the crew cannot see us as we watch what is going on.

Admiral Riker and his wife Deanna have just beamed aboard...

--------------

"Welcome to the Enterprise, Admiral." Data says to him, "Welcome also, Mrs Riker"

"It's Deanna!" replies to Counselor, "We're all old friends here, Data"

"That's right, Data, old buddy!" Riker tells him, and pats him on the back.

"Without you around, Jean-Luc" Q informs me, "Riker was the Captain, so he was quickly appointed Admiral and Data took over when he got promoted. You've been holding them back, mon Capitaine!"

I ignore his comments and carry on watching.

"Congratulations on the pregnancy, Deanna" Beverly says to her, "When will the baby be due?"

"In six months time" she replies, "I should say congrats to you as well, Bev, in getting engaged in that hunk of a Medical Officer at Starfleet Headquarters."

"I always thought there was something missing in my life; no romance. That was until I met Brad. He's an ex-Quarterback."

I turn white and wince. Q laughs away.

"Without you around, Jean-Luc, poor Beverly had nobody to romance her." he tells me gleefully.
A message comes on Data's com link.

"Lieutenant Crusher here, sir. I think we've got a problem. You need to come to the Bridge now."

Everybody, including Riker and Deanna go to the Bridge; Q and I follow them.

"There is an unknown ship ten million kilometres away" declares Seven, "It is packed with high density tri-cobalt biogenic torpedoes. They are powering up; if their weapons hit us, we shall be destroyed, as the shields will be ineffective. The Enterprise will be destroyed."

"Have you performed a sensor scan, Miss Dax?" asks Data.

"Yes, Captain; they only have light-sensitive sensors, but we will be unable to escape with the transwarp engines they have."

"We are being hailed by sound only." says Wesley.

"You shall be destroyed" says an ominous voice that seems to like eradicating starships as a hobby. Things are not looking good.

Them I remember something.

"Why don't they use the Picard Manouvre?" I ask, "Every cadet in Starfleet has been taught that in the Academy."

"The what?" laughs Q, "You need to remember, Jean-Luc, that you have never been born and the Manouvre doesn't exist."

Wesley suddenly turns round to Riker and Data.

"Admiral Riker, Captain Data" he says, "I think I have an idea."

Don't tell me it's going to be what I think it is...

"What is it, Wes?" asks Riker.

"Well, as the ship only has light-speed sensors, we could suddenly go in warp towards them. This would give the impression to them that we were in two places at the same time and confuse them. Then we could fire on the ship before it was ready."

I groan; that's the Picard Manouvre.

"That sounds like a great idea!" Riker tells him.

"I agree, Admiral" Data tells him.

A few moments later, the confused ship is fired upon and the problem is sorted out.

"You did really well there, Wes." Riker tells him, "So much so that I'm going to put in a motion that the action be known as 'The Crusher Manouvre', that it be tought at all classes in the Academy, and that you be promoted to Lieutenant Commander."

I can't take this any longer.

"Get me out of here, Q!" I urgently tell him, "I want to be back in charge of the Enterprise and to exist again!"

"Of course, mon Capitaine!" Q snickers, "Why didn't you say so?"

A moment later, I am back in my bedroom. No one else is there. I want to check to see if people can see me.

I walk into the corrider. Data is there.

"Can you see me, Data?" I ask him.

"Of course, Captain" he replies, "I am puzzled as to why you are in the corrider without any garments on, though."

What If...? (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jean-Luc Picard


I'm lying in bed after another hard day commanding the Enterprise.

Now it's the time to relax....

A heavy metal rock band suddenly appear in the room and drive my senses mad.

Q appears as the lead singer, with dark glasses and a beard.

"Bonjour mon Capitaine!" he says cheerfully, "I thought you'd appreciate a visit from your favourite resident of the Q Continuum. I know I like seeing my old pal, Jean-Luc."

"Go away, Q!" I tell him sharply, "Security will hear that noise and come in." I put my head under the pillow.

"No they won't, Jean-Luc." he laughs, "The sound is only for your ears. Those archaic Enterprise sensors won't notice me here. Now what shall we chat about?"

"Your iminent departure?" I suggest.

"You have a caustic wit, mon Capitaine" Q smiles, "Where would the Enterprise be without you?"

"Who knows" I say, "Probably in a poor condition."

"Oh, so you think you're that important, Jean-Luc?" Q teasingly laughs, "What do you think it would be like if you had never been born?"

"Destroyed, probably." I tell him.

"Do you want to see what the Enterprise would have been like if you had never been born?" Q challenges me.

"All right, Q", I tell him, "Let's see what it would have been like.

All of a sudden, I'm beginning to regret my big mouth. Too late now, idiot!

-----------------------

Both Q and I appear on the Bridge of the Enterprise. Both he and I are wearing Starfleet uniforms.

"Nobody can see or hear us, Jean-Luc." Q tells me. "Just enjoy what you see."

The decor is dreadful. A bright flourescent pattern. I would never have allowed that if I had been in charge.

Data is in my chair, and from the stars on his collar, he is the Captain. In the Commander's role is Worf. Beverly is third in thew Lieutenant Commander position. As she has occasionally filled the Captain's role on the night shift, this is no surprise.

I wonder where Riker is? Deanna isn't about either.

Geordi comes in.

"Engine's running to optimum efficiency, Captain Data." he says.

"Very good, Mr La Forge." states Data, "We shall be in time for our rendezvous with the USS Rhode Island"

Geordi is still in the same position; he always loved engines.

I look on Tactics; Jadzia Dax is in position there, checking out everything, looking as if she is keen to blast something in space to smithereens.

To my horror, the two at the helm are Wesley Crusher and Seven of Nine. Has Data had a short-circuit? Putting those two there is a recipe for disaster.

Q enjoys seeing the horror on my face.

"Perhaps our android friend trusts Seven and Wesley a lot more than you do, Jean-Luc" Q laughs, "They seem to be doing a good job from where I am watching."

"The USS Rhode Island is within transporter range, Captain." says Wesley.

"Good, Lieutenant Crusher." Data replies, "Have the Admiral and his wife beamed aboard. Be sure that plenty of donuts are made available while he is here."

Donuts?

We all go to the Transporter Room and I see the Admiral and his wife beamed aboard.

It's Riker and Deanna.

I groan and Q laughs away at my despair.

----------------------

To be continued...

Q At The Helm

Humans are so strange, aren't they?

They never fail to fascinate me with their absurd behaviour in all sorts of situations. The way they react when something happens makes them the peculiar beings that they are.

I decide to visit my old friend Jean-Luc Picard; whenever I do, I can be assured of a good laugh; this I needed, as my colleagues in the Continuum had beaten me at poker again.

Naturally, I like to make an entrance; at the time, Jean-Luc and his cohorts were in full diplomatic uniform meeting some nonentities.

How stuffy; time to liven it up a little.

I changed to uniforms to Mexican ones, put a cigar in their mouths and created a band playing lively music.

Much better! Then I appeared.

"Greetings mon Capitano!", "Your old pal Q thought he'd drop in."

Jean-Luc looked livid; he always tends to put that expression on when I visit him.

"Q!!" he bellowed, "Not now!"

There never seems to be a good time; he always pretends he's doing something important.

"This is very important!" he said, "The Zetek delegation, who are right here, are very formal, and will not tolerate your sort of behaviour. We want them to join the Federation. Now please go away!"

"Oh, Jean-Luc, they are not that important; they need loosening up in their diplomatic skills."

I transform the Zetek uniform into Mexican ones as well.

They look at each other and walk out in disgust.

"Q, you've ruined eighteen months of careful negotiations; do you realise the trouble I'll get into at Starfleet?"

"I'll put in a good word for you, if you like, Jean-Luc."

"You've done enough damage as it is, Q"

That's typical; he's never grateful for all the favours I do him.

It makes me wonder how he gets anything done witrh the crew he has.

Riker has been Commander for so long; he keeps recommending to Starfleet that Jean-Luc gets promoted.

Worf definately has an attitude problem; always the first to show aggression. Typical Klingon; shoot first, ask questions later.

The Betazoid, Troi is a flighty girl; she has Riker, but has moonlight flits to Worf.

That one with the visor, LaForge; no wonder he never gets women when he has one subject matter; engines. Yawn. And what is that jargon, he talks in? Even he probably doesn't know.

Data is a jumble of wires. A mixed-up metal man with an emotion deficit!

Wesley is one that drives me mad; I think he could beat me at poker in the Continuum.

His mother....well, if only Jean-Luc knew about her....she really has the hots for him, as the humans say.

Guinan is a bad one amongst them; I've dealt with her many hundreds of years ago; very tricky.

Well, obviously, Jean-Luc isn't in a party mood.

"Take these Mexican outfits off, Q!" he shouts.

"Oh, very well, mon Capitano."

With a click, the outfits are off.

"Q!!!!" he shouts, "Put our uniforms back on! Don't leave us here naked!"

"You might have said, Jean-Luc."

Time to leave the humans for now Hopefully I'll do better in the poker game after that refreshing visit.